Dear 141 departed ones,
I'm sorry. I had promised myself to help all the needy ones. I had promised myself that I won't let anyone suffer if I am nearby. I promised that I won't let anyone snatch away someone's smile if I am there. Unfortunately, I wasn't even aware of this massacre when it happened, even though I was in the same city.Dear loved ones, I'm sorry that I thought about my brother first and shed tears and didn't think about all of you. But there was a reason, he mentioned death before leaving for school and it left me numb for hours. I don't know if this can justify my selfishness. I'm sorry.
During all this heinous bloodshed, when everyone of you were going through excruciating pain, both mentally and physically, I was calling my loved ones to ask them if they were okay. But I swear, I had no detail about all of this, I was stuck somewhere in the middle, with no access to media. If I knew, I might have at least prayed for you at that very hour when I came to know about this brutality. I am sorry.
Little ones, I cannot sleep at nights thinking about what you went through. I cannot imagine the fear you faced when the called your friends, your teachers and your bench-mates over to shoot them right in the head. We both know how nervous we get when we are called over for a quiz. But none of us knew how it feels to be called over for death. I think you do know now. I still don't know and I would never want to know.
When I am here, packed in these warm clothes, the first thing that clicks my mind is, "Are they warm enough?". I know all of you have anticipated this winter. I know APSACS looks magnificent when all of those bushes, trees and playgrounds are covered in fog. You surely would've seen that beauty in the morning, whilst holding the hand of your very dear friend, wearing your majestic green blazers and sweaters, maybe caps too. But was it cozy in there in that auditorium? Oh no, I cannot imagine how cold the floor would've been. I am really sorry, I am not brave enough like all of you. I hope you're awarded with a prize for this bravery, for this courage. But would that matter?
They say that your mothers have been crying because you didn't take your breakfast. I can imagine your mischievous smiles when mama would be running after you with your socks in one hand and a sandwich(or maybe paratha?) in other hand just to feed you. But you, as usual, went to school without having breakfast because the samosa and french fries taste better in the recess. Did you even make it to recess? Did your friends in auditorium tell you that they were hungry? Did you have peanuts in the hidden pocket of your blazer? I think you had those, but did it satisfy the hunger? Or did all the hunger die when you saw those men in black boots? I am sorry, I cannot eat anything imagining that you all didn't eat anything.
I am sorry, I couldn't even manage to light a candle because my father saw 150 dead bodies and he cannot afford to see us like that. Because my mother saw those ambulances carrying your friends to hospital. And all I am made to do is to stick to TV screens and pray for your friends who are injured.
But I swear I will light that hope up. Dear kids of my city, I won't let this sacrifice go in vain. I'll bring the swords down. I'll bring the guns down. I'll try to eradicate hate. I won't let anyone else be a victim of such sufferance. You all were heroes. Every story is an evidence of the heroism. 15 year old went back in school to save his loved ones. My 14 year old brothers took bullets on their chests. 12 year old asked his friend to play dead. These stories will never be forgotten. I will write them down in history. I will make you heard through my words.
You all are my heroes. I PROMISE, like those other promises, I won't break this one, I'm not going to forget any of you. They will pay for your blood. They will pay for making your mothers cry. They will pay for making you lie on that cold floor in this intense cold of Peshawar. APSACS will rise and shine again. The lost ones won't be forgotten. The sacrifices will be mentioned in every event that takes place. I love you all. And I am sorry. We will send more kids to the school. We will build 141 schools in your name. We will give thousand pens for every gun that is made.
-Sidra
